Thursday, February 4, 2010

day two.

i've been thinking about death lately. i guess it started this weekend when i began having really vivid dreams again. i have vivid dreams quite often but they sort of come in spurts. the last few dreams have had mom in them, which i wish could be nice, but usually i wake up feeling depressed. i can't believe how hard it still is having lost her. not that i ever want to feel numb about it, but i guess the thing is that i do. i become complacent as a coping method, a way to move on. but then the moving on feels so hollow and empty. it's so hard to feel alive without her here. i know none of this is really related to my thoughts on the start of a new venture, but my mental state affects how i feel about life in general, and in turn, productivity, etc. people always say that you don't really know what you have until it's gone. but i did know what i had, that's probably why it still hurts so much. i'm sort of all over the place with this, i'm really still trying to process.

anyways, i have been reading the news lately about the two boys who died in their home. it's really hit me hard. i guess it makes you realize how fragile we really are. and that life never makes sense. it's hard knowing that you love someone so much, but you can't protect them. life happens all around us, constantly. but we pray, and keep believing that one day we won't have to worry about what doesn't make sense. at least God never changes, as hard as that is to grasp.

i made some more jewellry last night. i was feeling sick and kind of depressed (i always seem to when i'm really busy and then finally have a break from everything). so i read eclipse for a few hours (not sure if that helps with the depression.. the whole conflict of soul vs. no soul for love is pretty depressing.. and a bit ludicrous.. but that's bella for you.. i can't say i'm her biggest fan). anyways, yes, made some jewellry while watching my new favourite show modern family. hilarious. and heart-warming in its own odd sort of way.

ok enough for now. until next time...

and a picture, because colour is the spice of life.

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